Gambling Addict?
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Last time I lost a lot of money at an online casino I was distraught. I was so low that I felt suicidal. I know it sounds like I am exaggerating, but I honestly felt like it was easier if I was no longer alive. I felt that to die might be kinder to those around me. I even looked up ways to kill myself with the least pain. The act of reading about these very practical ways to kill yourself somehow brought me to my senses. That was when I first researched gambling addiction. I finally felt that things had gone too far. I was no longer in control.
Apparently the term “gambling addiction” is actually not the proper term. Professionals call it “impulse control disorder”. Anyway I looked at the list of warning signs; trying to win back losses with more gambling, lying to family and friends, gambling to escape from reality, risking significant relationships and your job, loss of control, depression, preoccupation, suicidal thoughts.
Well I could tick pretty much all of those boxes and it was almost with a sense of relief that I diagnosed myself as a compulsive gambler. I realised that all the scams I have fallen for have been like gambling. I have been “investing money” into something with high risk. That, along with the money I have lost in actual casinos made me come to my senses.
I sat there in tears and realised that I had to tell Mr Sensible everything. He was out of the house at the time so I walked down to the beach to find him. It was so hard to tell the truth I could barely get the words out. That is what I told you about in my previous post.
I realised just how bad my problem was when I found myself back in the casino the next day! I was so ashamed. That is it now. I am being honest with myself and trying to move forward. Honesty from here on out. I really do love life and I know I can make so much of it and help others, but I just have to take a step in the right direction.
I haven’t told you yet that I lost my job last week. I was too ashamed even to write it here. I feel that with compulsive gambling comes compulsive lying and if I am not 100% honest on my blog I am lying to myself.
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